Dear husband...

Dear husband,

Let me write down what I often struggle to explain, when I am at home with our baby.

I need a break sometimes. And like you, I want something for myself outside of parenting. But it’s not easy for me right now. I’m feeding our baby from my body. And comforting her from simply being there when I’m not.

I can’t “just go” whenever I want to. Leaving her takes a lot of planning to get there and stress when I’m actually there. Because while I want a break - I’m desperate for a break - I don’t want to miss her.

It’s complicated.

Even though she is her own person, her reliance on me in these early days, months and years makes it feel like she is an extension of me, physically and emotionally. So much so that now my body literally tells me in not so subtle ways when it thinks she needs me to feed her.

She’s so small. You see how she is when I leave the room. And then when I come back. The upset then calm. As you know, I am her calm.

We are her calm.

The thought of leaving her for long periods without either of us just doesn’t feel right, even if others say it would be “good for her” or “me”.

And here’s the thing - I’d rather feel touched out than have her stressed and out of touch with me.

And I’m not angry at you for experiencing this stage differently to me, even though it comes across that way sometimes. There is literally nowhere else I would rather be than with our babies. I simply get frustrated at the feeling of not having the option some of the time - in the same way you do.

And for one day, just one day, it would be nice to be in your shoes - even if they don’t fit the same. To have the option to leave, without all the complexities and come back to all the intricacies of the love.

I know it may not make much sense. That I don’t make much sense. But this is the push/pull I feel. And it’s real.

But know I don’t mean to push you away when I feel frustrated.

That’s me trying to pull you closer to understanding how it can feel to be a mother in the early days.

Thanks for continuing to listen.

And for trying to understand what I can’t either.

Please keep doing that.

It helps.

I love you.