It's not like it used to be

It’s not like it used to be.

Hugs are not as frequent as they once were. I have to ask for them some days.

Sometimes she doesn’t want me to pick her up when she’s with friends. I have to carry her to the car.

I am not always the one she runs to first. And some nights I’m the last one she wants to put her to bed.

She’s bigger now.

Her needs have changed.

They are ever-changing.

She is growing up.

Away.

And into her independence.

She’s blooming, like the beautiful flower I’ve been watering every day.

And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever loved to see.

I want her to grow up. That’s the whole point of this. But not too fast. That’s how it all seems.

As she grows it feels like I’m not watering her enough. I see myself standing there catching my own tears in the watering can. But really, she just needs me less in the way that she used to.

Day by day and hour by hour she grows taller and brighter, and more capable than ever.

And I’m still here with the watering can, watering her with more.

Because although it’s not always easy to see, as she grows she doesn’t need less from me, she needs more.

A different more.

A more of being there when she chooses to still need me, which may be less than before, but in someway even more special than before.

So what I am finding with this new territory, is that there is such beauty here.

She tells me about her day, and we laugh about things. Because she’s starting to find her sense of humour.

She loves to learn new things, and tells me when I’ve got it all wrong. Because she’s starting to get confidence in her ability.

She tells me she loves me, and I know she means it. Because she is beginning to understand the meaning of love.

And when things go wrong or become hard, as they still do from time to time, she’s still there waiting for me to be there. And I am, in whichever way she needs me to be.

There is beauty in this growth.

There is.

The garden of us is becoming more colourful by the hour.

It really is.

So it’s not like it used to be.

We are not like we used to be.

But do you know what?

It’s even better.

We are even better.