Eventually

We lay together when the sun goes down.

One of them at a time, some times all of us at once.

It’s a bit of a ritual now.

I watch as they breathe out their day.

And I breathe them in for the first time all day.

⠀

I think about a lot but in the initial few moments, but I mostly think about how grateful I am for them, their littleness, and their perfect rise and fall.

They are so perfect to me.

And I just hope they know that.

⠀

I retrace our steps and my misteps from the day, my mind breathing for what seems like the first time since last night.

I walk myself through the moments that were there but I hadn’t had the time to cherish through the busyness.

It’s like I record them during the day and watch them on play back at night.

And then I rewind and replay over and over.

Both the good and the not so good.

In no particular order.

Nothing is ever in order these days.

⠀

And I smile and hold them extra tight when I rewatch the good.

Like I should have at the time it happened but I was probably too worn out, or busy, or demanded somewhere else to do so.

I just hope they know that the smiles and extra tight holds did come, eventually.

And that those moments are stored with me, and cherished, after the fact.

⠀

But I don’t smile when I rewatch the not so good. Oh no.

I don’t need to be reminded by the replays, but they feature every night somewhere and normally right when I’m enjoying so much of the good.

And I replay these parts the most.

Over and over through my mind.

And they seem to stick more.

They override the storage of the good.

I whisper “sorry” as I hold them even tighter and vow to do better tomorrow.

I just hope they know that the apologies and vows do come, eventually.

And that those moments are acknowledged and worried about, after the fact.

⠀

It’s not always easy in the moment to live in it, to cherish it, to acknowledge it.

The days in motherhood can feel timeless and the moments fleeting.

But I just hope they know that I meet them in the moments every day,

Even if it’s after the fact.

Even if it’s when they are fast asleep.

Because I do.

Every day.

Eventually.