Trusting it

I have moments that come over me right now.

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When I’m getting up at night to cuddle my little boy back to sleep, forgetting how many times I’ve been up already.

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When I’m holding my toddler who is having a hard time with her emotions, my own hanging by a thread.

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When I’m cooking dinner with the two of them trying to climb up my legs and into my arms which are already preoccupied with hot pots and pans.

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In these moments I worry.

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I wonder, “but how?”

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I sink into the realisation that this will all be even harder soon.

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My mind takes me to unhelpful places.

I struggle to foresee how this will all work with another child in the mix.

I get fixated on the fact that my arms are not enough already and the mental load is already so much.

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And I forget.

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I forget that other mothers have had more children for centuries.

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I forget that I was a new mother of one and a new mother of two myself, and I adjusted eventually.

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I forget that, like my eldest did when my youngest was born, my older two will adjust with me, but in their own time.

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I forget how much stronger I have become through every stage so far, and how that will help me through the moments of weakness to come.

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I forget that my love for my children makes me realise capabilities in myself that I never knew existed.

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I forget all the times over the years I have said “I can’t” when I have, proving that “I can”.

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I forget - I already know how.

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Not because I have been in this exact stage which awaits me, but because I have moved through many stages before.

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I know it will be by lowering my expectations even more.

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By understanding that it will be harder, but I’ll have the easiest reason to face it.

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By letting my love for them lead the way through the storms, and their love for me lead me in the direction I need to keep moving: forwards.

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I know it always works out in the end.

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That no matter how challenging it gets sometimes, I will say, “I wouldn’t change it”.

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That this is something I may not feel ready for just yet, but my heart will always be prepared for.

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I know it.

I do.

I just need to remind myself in these moments to keep trusting that I do.